A few months ago I made a Facebook post that I still think about on a daily basis. I'll share it here.
"Mama it’s hard. When the nights are long and the alarm sounds too early. When the lack of sleep darkens you’re eyes and you still have to muster up the strength to take a quick shower.
Mama it’s hard. When your job and your babe are pulling your heart in two different directions. When the desire to snuggle up in bed with that perfect little human makes you want to call in sick. When the weekend passes all to quickly.
Mama it’s hard. When your battling post partum depression and no one else can see it. When the guilt kicks in as you drop your tiny baby off at daycare. When all you want is a day to feel like yourself again.
Mama it’s hard. To carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because you refuse to ask for help. To be the heart of your family and provide for them daily. To be mama to that little one, a wife to your husband, and to somehow maintain a piece of yourself.
Mama it’s hard, but you can do this.
Mama you are strong. You get up everyday and work hard to care for your family. You change diapers and nurse a babe and put food on the table with a smile. You give up sleep and rest to comfort and nurture those you love most.
Mama you are brave. You fight for your family and their well being. You face the judgments of those around you when they think they know better. You shield your family and you always put them first.
Mama you are home. For the babe that rests in your arms and the husband by your side. You bring comfort and peace and love like no one else can.
So Mama, I know this is hard, but you are not alone. I know that there are days when you feel like you’re failing. Days when you think you’re not enough for those who need you most.
Please hear when I say you are enough. Because all they need is YOU, mama."
I had several people reach out to me about it and several others who confided in me about their own struggles.
If you were to take a look at my Facebook or Instagram feed you would see nothing but the sweet side of motherhood for a while.
You'd see happy mama, a happy daddy, and smiling baby.
But that wasn't always the case.
You see for a long time I've kept my battle with PPD behind closed doors. I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling. I didn't want people to see me as a bad mother or to pass their judgement.
Fear has held me back, but not anymore. This is something that needs to be talked about and brought to light because it is something so many women go through alone.
The first couple of weeks after I brought my little girl home were complete bliss. The newness of it all. The bubble we had. It was perfect.
I'm not sure exactly when it started because I refused to acknowledge it for a long time, but slowly I began to feel heavy. I wasn't exactly sad, and I wasn't angry. I just felt...heavy.
Looking back it seems like blur. I'm so thankful I took so many pictures and videos because if I'm being completely honest there are about two months that are fuzzy for me. I suffered for two months without telling anyone, not even my husband. A lot of people have asked "what is PPD like?" So I'm going to give you what it looked like in my head in the next paragraph. "I'm so exhausted that I don't think I can get out of bed but if I don't Arlynn will go hungry and that makes me a bad mom I must be horrible for not wanting to get up and feed her oh my gosh if she doesn't stop crying I might die oh my gosh I can't believe I just thought that she's just a baby and doesn't have any other way to communicate why am i so fat and what if i can't ever feel pretty again oh my gosh the baby hasn't cried in the last hour she must be dead let me go check to make sure shes breathing ok she is but she feels warm what if she has fever and i don't take her to the doctor I'm such a bad mom she deserves better ugh the kitchen is so dirty and Colton has been working all day I need to clean it so he doesn't have to but I'm so tired I just need to lay down I must be an awful wife I don't think my husband will ever find me attactive again I'm so disgusting...." That was my stream of thoughts and it happened all within one minute in my brain. IT. WAS. AWFUL.
One day I broke down. I felt like I couldn't handle it and I had to call Colton to come home from work because I felt like the walls were caving in around me.
He came home immediately. I thought it was under control until two days later when I had to call my doctor because Colton wasn't available and I was in the thick of a massive anxiety attack.
She sat on the phone with me for 45 minutes as I calmed down.
I went in to see her the next day and told her everything I had been going through.
After talking things through with her and with Colton I decided to take action and get on some medicine to help me feel better.
Three weeks later I felt like a new person.
I felt like I could enjoy motherhood. I didn't feel overwhelmed or upset. I felt free.
Free from the burden of being trapped in my own head and free to be the best mama I can be for my sweet girl. So if you think you may be going through PPD. Tell someone.
Tell your partner, tell your doctor, you can even tell me. You do not have to carry this burden alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
YOU ARE NOT FAILING.
YOU ARE THE PERFECT MAMA FOR THAT BABY.
YOU ARE NEEDED.
YOU ARE LOVED.
Comments